It’s Not Wine, It’s Not Beer, It’s Lambda

Flavored spirits have been stealing market share for years, growing 10 times faster than total spirits, as beer sales continue to decline. The result: a distinctly new category of alcoholic beverage that gives the non-beer or spirit drinker a wide range of flavored alcoholic beverages that appeal to a variety of tastes.

Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.” Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! D’oh. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true! Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.” They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.


Share This Post On

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *